All I want for Christmas is to be thin…
That is the message that my eating disorder tells me every day. Nothing else matters, other than to have a “nice body.” If I have a nice body, than everything else will fall into place. If I am thin, my clothes loose on me, and I can feel more in control over what I eat than what my body and mind tell me, everything else will be okay. Everything in life will be fine if I just get thin….
No. Not true. Not even close to being true. How will changing the physical size of my body get me into grad school, be successful at my job, have a close connection with my husband, feel centered and happy in life? It won’t. Not even a little bit.
But… what my body size can do is allow me to compare myself to everyone else…
If everyone has this “expected body,” “average nice-looking body,” “the way the body is supposed to look body”- I don’t want to feel different. I don’t want to be the one everyone looks at as a sign of weakness, lack of discipline, laziness, defectively different. I don’t want to be that person who doesn’t fit the “average” body ideal, like everyone else. I don’t want to not be a part of. I don’t want to be not good enough.
So…I will concentrate and focus all my efforts to lose weight- to exercise excessively, to watch everything I eat- avoiding any food that could make me gain weight. I will obsess about food all day long, plan out what my next meal will be like- if I choose to eat or not. I will plan my day around going to the gym, and making sure that when I go I don’t waste any time- exercising only to lose weight.
NO! Not real! Not right. Not accurate. NO!
My body holds my soul. My body holds my hopes, dreams, goals, passions, brain! My body holds my intellect, my knowledge, love, compassion, and my peace.
My body has a purpose. It has a purpose! That purpose is NOT to present itself as thin and toned. It IS the instrument to which I experience life. The apparatus that navigates me around this world. The mechanism that gives me the ability to connect my loving energy with everyone else.
So, my eating disorder’s perception of what is most important in life is way off. The ass-backward way of thinking- that having a thin body will make my life come together, does not actually reign true. This body that I have holds so much more value and has so much more meaning than the eating disorder allows it to have. My body (and my brain) will get me into graduate school, to be successful at my job, have a close relationship with my husband, and allow me feel centered and happy.
So what I want for Christmas, not my eating disorder, is to love my body.
What three things does your body allow you to do?
What does your body hold for you? Your hopes, dreams, memories, etc.?